How to Save Money - Broke Edition

Everyone has seen the articles (or TV shows) full of "helpful tips" on how to save money. There are some out there that list helpful things, for sure, but then there are the ones that try to be "edgy" and "hard hitting." The ones I've seen often say things like:

• Stop buying expensive cups of coffee every day
• Stop eating out every day
• Don't get your nails done every week
• Don't buy expensive vehicles
• Don't buy new clothes every month
• Buy less toys/gadgets/electronics

And my most favouritest:

• Don't buy avocado toast.

If you, like me, are frustrated at how these money-saving tips are tailored to people who clearly have way more money than you already, and who really only need one instruction in order to save ("stop blowing money on stupid shit"), then have I got the list for you. 

I guarantee that my easy, 4-step plan will work, and you can save up to tens of dollars each month if you implement it.

1. Don't Have Kids
   Kids are financial black holes, sucking away much the money you work for. They're desperately needy and demanding. Often they want to be fed, even when you already fed them yesterday. Deciding not to have kids is a difficult thing, and it's not fun to have to get rid of them. Try placing an ad on kijiji or craigslist. Resist the urge to accept compensation for the rehoming of your children, I'm told that's "human trafficking" and also "illegal." But get on this, your bank account will thank you.
2. Move
   
   Now that you've disposed of the extra baggage, you can downsize easily. Consider moving out of your expensive rental and into a less expensive partly-furnished bedroom at your aging parent's house, your buddy's house, or some guy online who tells you his name is Shank or Freeway or Nevada and asks that you not question why he gets so many visitors.
3. Declutter
   
   Consider selling non-essential items. This could bring you valuable dollars that can go directly into your savings. There are a lot of things that the average person can live without, such as electronics, extra clothing, home decor, and of course, we all have that one extra kidney (unless you don't, in which case, condolences). The goal is to remove everything from your life that brings you joy, because that is unnecessary and a waste of money.
4. Work Harder
   
   If you work 8 hours a day, consider working more hours. Don't pretend you're too good to get an extra job or three. Remember, leisure and sleep are for a better class of people than yourself. If you wanted those things, maybe you should've thought about that before you became poor. 

Remember, your goal is survival and if you're lucky, you just might save enough money to allow yourself, in retirement, the lifestyle to which you have now become accustomed. 

And maybe a slice of avocado toast.