Brain File Dump
Today's menu, pep talk.
I'm an introvert. People exhaust me. Socializing is difficult, because I don't know how to act. Sometimes I watch people in a crowd, people who behave the way I'd like to. People who hold everyone's attention, who appear attentive and engaging, who are bubbly and cheerful. I admire that. I watch them and I study them, trying to pay attention to their words and actions so that maybe I can emulate them later. Things they say to fill awkward silences. Where they put their hands. How their voices sound. It seems so ridiculous, but I feel I'm so lacking these skills.
The thing is, I have a lot to say. The internet allows me to say those things, to people who might listen. Or maybe it just lets me shout into the void, who knows? Still, it makes me feel I have a voice. When I'm strong, when I'm confident - all of those things that I have to say tumble out. Brain dump.
I started this blog a long time ago and I had, through the years, a lot of stops and starts. What you see now is the result of my reflection and removal of posts I no longer agree with - in a way that makes me happy, it shows growth. I'm all about growth, I truly believe that a person should never stop learning and never stop growing.
My mind often flies all over the place. It's why I called this blog "Random As..." Random as what? Anything. Could be anything, could be nothing. I don't know. Sometimes I'm goofy, sometimes I'm full of bravado. Sometimes I'm anxious and unsure. Sometimes I'm content. And sometimes I'm confident. I'm growing.
Most of my writing tends to come out on Facebook. Typically when I have a jumping off point - an article, a joke, news, advice requests. I'm looong-winded. I continue to try Twitter, it's a decent tool to learn the art of being concise. I still haven't mastered it though, clearly.
My mind often flies all over the place. It's why I called this blog "Random As..." Random as what? Anything. Could be anything, could be nothing. I don't know. Sometimes I'm goofy, sometimes I'm full of bravado. Sometimes I'm anxious and unsure. Sometimes I'm content. And sometimes I'm confident. I'm growing.
Most of my writing tends to come out on Facebook. Typically when I have a jumping off point - an article, a joke, news, advice requests. I'm looong-winded. I continue to try Twitter, it's a decent tool to learn the art of being concise. I still haven't mastered it though, clearly.
I'm an introvert. People exhaust me. Socializing is difficult, because I don't know how to act. Sometimes I watch people in a crowd, people who behave the way I'd like to. People who hold everyone's attention, who appear attentive and engaging, who are bubbly and cheerful. I admire that. I watch them and I study them, trying to pay attention to their words and actions so that maybe I can emulate them later. Things they say to fill awkward silences. Where they put their hands. How their voices sound. It seems so ridiculous, but I feel I'm so lacking these skills.
The thing is, I have a lot to say. The internet allows me to say those things, to people who might listen. Or maybe it just lets me shout into the void, who knows? Still, it makes me feel I have a voice. When I'm strong, when I'm confident - all of those things that I have to say tumble out. Brain dump.
But, inevitably, I lose my confidence. Anxiety creeps in. The things I've written embarrass me then, when I don't want to be seen, when I want to be invisible. I try to identify what it is I'm afraid of, and what it is I'm trying to accomplish.
Is this just for me? Maybe.
Is this just for me? Maybe.
Is it just an outlet, just a place where I can ramble to my heart's content? Could be.
Do I want to be heard? Sometimes.
Will anyone truly care what I think, do I really think I'm so important? I'd like to think so.
I'd like to think that, no matter what depression or trauma or anxiety tells me, that I have something to offer. That I'm intelligent, maybe unconventionally. That I have some wisdom. That I have some unique perspectives.
Will anyone truly care what I think, do I really think I'm so important? I'd like to think so.
I'd like to think that, no matter what depression or trauma or anxiety tells me, that I have something to offer. That I'm intelligent, maybe unconventionally. That I have some wisdom. That I have some unique perspectives.
Right?
I often don't think I'm that important or special. I don't think in the scheme of things that I matter much, that I have no exceptional skills or talent. I am wholly mediocre. On one hand, that defeats me. Why bother, why put myself out there, why risk ridicule, why look ridiculous. On the other hand, it makes me consider the frailty of life, that I want to matter in some way, and that maybe there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm trying to kickstart myself here, at any rate. Just do it. Just. Do. It.
Don't overthink. Don't stress. Don't worry. Just write.
I have a million excuses not to.
But, I'm challenging myself.
I've dumped a quasi-inspirational word salad that doesn't say much, but I'm challenging my own insecurity here and I'm hoping to develop a skill that people see in me.
I often don't think I'm that important or special. I don't think in the scheme of things that I matter much, that I have no exceptional skills or talent. I am wholly mediocre. On one hand, that defeats me. Why bother, why put myself out there, why risk ridicule, why look ridiculous. On the other hand, it makes me consider the frailty of life, that I want to matter in some way, and that maybe there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm trying to kickstart myself here, at any rate. Just do it. Just. Do. It.
Don't overthink. Don't stress. Don't worry. Just write.
I have a million excuses not to.
But, I'm challenging myself.
I've dumped a quasi-inspirational word salad that doesn't say much, but I'm challenging my own insecurity here and I'm hoping to develop a skill that people see in me.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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