Apocalypse...Now?
Today the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the US Constitution guarantees the right to same-sex marriage, meaning that despite of the resistance of the 13 holdout states, gay marriage is now completely recognized nationwide.
Here in Canada, gay marriage was legalized nearly 10 years ago, in July of 2005, so let me be the first to warn you, my American friends, of the terrible consequences that await the very fabric of your society. All of the following have happened, and are continuing to happen ever day in my country.
Riot
When the Supreme Court of Canada legalized gay marriage, a nation-wide riot erupted and, like an uncontrollable wildfire, continues to this very day. I would have said "riots", but it's just the one. It's quite large and disruptive, and since it's been going on for nearly a decade without reprieve, we have to organize it in shifts. Everyone apologizes profusely once their shift is over, but it's still madness. When it was my shift, I stole my TV back from the guy who took it from my home, and hopefully now that it's made that round, it will stay put.
Justin Bieber
I firmly believe that Justin Bieber was born as pre-emptive punishment for the atrocity the Supreme Court committed. At one point I believe the US wanted to send him back to us, but we said no take-backsies. Dodged a bullet there, I don't mind saying. Many of us wish we could deny he is one of us, but the world already knows our shame and we can't hide it.
Natural Disaster
The entire province of Manitoba fell into the sea. We all thought that it wasn't possible for a land-locked prairie to be swallowed whole by the unforgiving sea, because science, but somehow it happened. For real. It took us a few years to notice, since why would anyone go to Manitoba, but imagine our shock when we found it nothing but a really giant puddle. Still, I'm not sure anyone misses it, and truth be told, the boating is great there, so there's that.
"The Gay"
We all caught the gay. They tried to warn us, but we all said they were idiot, jackass, brainless bigots. Turns out they were right. So contagious. Every legitimate business, as well as some not-so-legitimate, has been co-opted to build glitzy nightclubs or hair and nail salons.
Polar Bears
Polar bears, en masse, ate all of our children. Since we had all caught the gay, we couldn't even repopulate and would soon die out. We tried to adopt from poor European nations, but they don't want their kids catching the gay either.
Godzilla
Soon after Canada's legalization of gay marriage, Godzilla arrived on the east coast. He took the long route to show his commitment to his disdain. After demolishing much of Newfoundland, he waded across to the mainland and unleashed thousands of kawaii pop-culture boys and girls from a very large backpack that we'd not previously noticed. All the residents of Quebec were driven insane by their high-pitched voices and big hair, and most jumped out of tall buildings to end their pain.
Apocalypse
Ultimately, Complete and utter destruction occurred. Canada is nothing but an empty, barren, on-fire, no-child, no-adult country, devoid of all living things and society at all. I'm totally a ghost right now, a gay-turned, no-children having, continuously rioting ghost ashamed of Justin Bieber. I'm writing all this on my other-worldly ghost computer, using the only un-dead internet connection left.
...
...
...
So the truth is, we legalized gay marriage and nothing happened. Nothing changed. Not for me anyway, since I'm straight and was already married. Life went on as usual.
Here's my take: I'm not gay, I'm not wired that way, not interested. I'm not sure any more whether it's a sin according to my religion, any more than it is that I have a tattoo or smoke cigarettes.
But!
Even if I find it something unnatural and against my spiritual views, marriage is defined by two separate entities - religious and legal. I can no longer rationally insist that my country should be governed by religion, though I fully believed that it should be when I was younger, simply because being a democratic country - who's to say that my religion would get picked anyway? I'd hate to be governed by sharia law, for instance. So having separated politics, law and religion, I understand that no matter what my personal religious stance, the legal rights granted by my government are not based on those views.
Marriage has always been, and always will be an imperfect thing, full of imperfect people. No matter what anyone says, there has not ever been a "golden age" of "traditional marriage". There has always been domestic violence, divorce, death, bickering, bitching, screaming, blended families and single parents. Children raised by gay parents may be children who might otherwise not have a stable home. Being raised by gay parents won't make a kid gay any more than being raised by straight parents guarantees straight offspring.
So, gay people will marry. They'll continue to be imperfect people within an imperfect institution. There will be domestic violence, divorce, death, bickering, bitching, screaming, blended families and single parents. Just like the rest of us. They'll also be granted legal protection over decisions and assets, be able to grant insurance coverage, be legal next of kin, and in the end, handle funeral decisions.
Honestly, the world won't end. God doesn't hate us. We have yet to be smite...ed. Smited? Smote? Whatever.
Nobody should spend too much time thinking about what goes on in anyone's bedroom. Cause frankly, that's creepy. Really creepy.
Seriously.
 |
| Is this what you want? IS IT?? |
Riot
When the Supreme Court of Canada legalized gay marriage, a nation-wide riot erupted and, like an uncontrollable wildfire, continues to this very day. I would have said "riots", but it's just the one. It's quite large and disruptive, and since it's been going on for nearly a decade without reprieve, we have to organize it in shifts. Everyone apologizes profusely once their shift is over, but it's still madness. When it was my shift, I stole my TV back from the guy who took it from my home, and hopefully now that it's made that round, it will stay put.
Justin Bieber
I firmly believe that Justin Bieber was born as pre-emptive punishment for the atrocity the Supreme Court committed. At one point I believe the US wanted to send him back to us, but we said no take-backsies. Dodged a bullet there, I don't mind saying. Many of us wish we could deny he is one of us, but the world already knows our shame and we can't hide it.
Natural Disaster
The entire province of Manitoba fell into the sea. We all thought that it wasn't possible for a land-locked prairie to be swallowed whole by the unforgiving sea, because science, but somehow it happened. For real. It took us a few years to notice, since why would anyone go to Manitoba, but imagine our shock when we found it nothing but a really giant puddle. Still, I'm not sure anyone misses it, and truth be told, the boating is great there, so there's that.
"The Gay"
We all caught the gay. They tried to warn us, but we all said they were idiot, jackass, brainless bigots. Turns out they were right. So contagious. Every legitimate business, as well as some not-so-legitimate, has been co-opted to build glitzy nightclubs or hair and nail salons.
Polar Bears
Polar bears, en masse, ate all of our children. Since we had all caught the gay, we couldn't even repopulate and would soon die out. We tried to adopt from poor European nations, but they don't want their kids catching the gay either.
Godzilla
Soon after Canada's legalization of gay marriage, Godzilla arrived on the east coast. He took the long route to show his commitment to his disdain. After demolishing much of Newfoundland, he waded across to the mainland and unleashed thousands of kawaii pop-culture boys and girls from a very large backpack that we'd not previously noticed. All the residents of Quebec were driven insane by their high-pitched voices and big hair, and most jumped out of tall buildings to end their pain.
Apocalypse
Ultimately, Complete and utter destruction occurred. Canada is nothing but an empty, barren, on-fire, no-child, no-adult country, devoid of all living things and society at all. I'm totally a ghost right now, a gay-turned, no-children having, continuously rioting ghost ashamed of Justin Bieber. I'm writing all this on my other-worldly ghost computer, using the only un-dead internet connection left.
...
...
...
So the truth is, we legalized gay marriage and nothing happened. Nothing changed. Not for me anyway, since I'm straight and was already married. Life went on as usual.
Here's my take: I'm not gay, I'm not wired that way, not interested. I'm not sure any more whether it's a sin according to my religion, any more than it is that I have a tattoo or smoke cigarettes.
But!
Even if I find it something unnatural and against my spiritual views, marriage is defined by two separate entities - religious and legal. I can no longer rationally insist that my country should be governed by religion, though I fully believed that it should be when I was younger, simply because being a democratic country - who's to say that my religion would get picked anyway? I'd hate to be governed by sharia law, for instance. So having separated politics, law and religion, I understand that no matter what my personal religious stance, the legal rights granted by my government are not based on those views.
"Gay people should be allowed to get married. Just because somebody's gay doesn't mean he shouldn't suffer like the rest of us." - Jeff Shaw
Marriage has always been, and always will be an imperfect thing, full of imperfect people. No matter what anyone says, there has not ever been a "golden age" of "traditional marriage". There has always been domestic violence, divorce, death, bickering, bitching, screaming, blended families and single parents. Children raised by gay parents may be children who might otherwise not have a stable home. Being raised by gay parents won't make a kid gay any more than being raised by straight parents guarantees straight offspring.
So, gay people will marry. They'll continue to be imperfect people within an imperfect institution. There will be domestic violence, divorce, death, bickering, bitching, screaming, blended families and single parents. Just like the rest of us. They'll also be granted legal protection over decisions and assets, be able to grant insurance coverage, be legal next of kin, and in the end, handle funeral decisions.
Honestly, the world won't end. God doesn't hate us. We have yet to be smite...ed. Smited? Smote? Whatever.
Nobody should spend too much time thinking about what goes on in anyone's bedroom. Cause frankly, that's creepy. Really creepy.
Seriously.
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