Everything Will Kill You
Everything.
Will.
Kill.
You.
Everything, seriously.
I began this post oh, I don't know, a year or two ago. Maybe three, I don't know. I haven't had a lot of time in the past few years.
To give a little background on this post, I refer you all to this Facebook status I posted at whatever mystical moment in time it was that I started this post originally:
"I wonder why news is always either depressing, alarming, or fluff. I thought perhaps I'd like to see some current news today. Generally I don't look for the above reasons. So I went to the CNN website (bypassing MSN since I don't care whether Justin Bieber wears pink polka-dotted panties) and I saw the first news story was apparently from the Bureau of Excessive Alarm: entitled "'Worrisome' amounts of arsenic found in rice". CNN helpfully informs me that eating rice once a day can raise the body's arsenic levels at *least* 44%. Since I felt appropriately frightened, I thought it only fair that the rest of you should be as well."
Continuing on, I made this comment:
"I'd like to be a journalist too, and write an article called "Everything Will Kill You". Just to get it out of the way, once and for all."
Often I write in this blog when what I have to say is either irrelevant to facebook, or far too long. And sometimes it's a matter of wanting to elaborate on what I've already said.
In this instance, it's that I just want to write the damn article, because I am 100% certain it will amuse the hell out of me.
1. Cows
In 2013, Brazilian João Maria de Souza was killed by a cow that fell through the roof of his house onto his bed whilst he was asleep.
According to MNN which has the double distinctions of sounding very official on account of its similarity to CNN, while also being a site I'd never heard of before; 22 people are killed in the US each year by cows. That's an entire kindergarten class. Why aren't we putting a stop to this madness? Why are we allowing these child-killers to exist in our midst? Where is the national outrage? Ohhh the humanity.
2. Water
Way back in 2007 a woman by the name of Jennifer Strange from Sacremento, California died of water intoxication while trying to win a Nintendo Wii in a radio contest.
In fact, in 1991, Andy Warhol's family accused the hospital where his gallbladder was removed of causing his death due to water intoxication.
Over the years, there have also been many notable cases in which water has taken up residence inside the breathing cavities - hereafter referred to as the "lungs" of both humans and animals, causing their untimely demise...es.
In my exhaustive research into the subject on Wikipedia, I found tens of cases since 1991. If you are as shocked and afraid as I am, I suggest you cease all contact with water immediately. Invest in mega-packs of super strength deoderant, and fill your glass with beer or perhaps a nice cocktail.
3. Vegetables
According to this Daily Mail UK article I found which is so grounds-breaking that it is somehow dated for tomorrow, curse you, confusing time zones: "Eating vegetables may be the cause of a cancer that kills 3,000 people a year in Britain."
I wish I was even joking. I mean, I've got nothing to add here.
But before you consider forgoing the vegetables and switching to something a little more... un-vegetable-esque, don't forget that we also need to be wary of...
4. Non-vegetables
In addition to the above-noted rice, several websites that google helpfully showed me listed the following cancer-causing agents:
Processed meats
Microwave popcorn
Potato chips and fries
Canned tomatoes
Red meat
Farmed fish
Highly salted or pickled foods
Soda
Sugar
Refined flour
Hydrogenated oil
GMO's
Inorganic vegetables
So before you go get that beautiful delicious burger covered in GMO'd inorganic tomatoes and lettuce and sugary ketchup made with canned tomatoes and salted bacon loaded onto a refined-flour fluffy white bun and make it a combo with fries and a soda, ask yourself: "Do I really want to die right now?" Because odds are good that you will probably die before you finish the meal. You might want to go home and eat some organic vegetables, instead.
Unless you're British.
In that case, I'm sorry, but you probably aren't going to make it.
Will.
Kill.
You.
Everything, seriously.
I began this post oh, I don't know, a year or two ago. Maybe three, I don't know. I haven't had a lot of time in the past few years.
To give a little background on this post, I refer you all to this Facebook status I posted at whatever mystical moment in time it was that I started this post originally:
"I wonder why news is always either depressing, alarming, or fluff. I thought perhaps I'd like to see some current news today. Generally I don't look for the above reasons. So I went to the CNN website (bypassing MSN since I don't care whether Justin Bieber wears pink polka-dotted panties) and I saw the first news story was apparently from the Bureau of Excessive Alarm: entitled "'Worrisome' amounts of arsenic found in rice". CNN helpfully informs me that eating rice once a day can raise the body's arsenic levels at *least* 44%. Since I felt appropriately frightened, I thought it only fair that the rest of you should be as well."
Continuing on, I made this comment:
"I'd like to be a journalist too, and write an article called "Everything Will Kill You". Just to get it out of the way, once and for all."
Often I write in this blog when what I have to say is either irrelevant to facebook, or far too long. And sometimes it's a matter of wanting to elaborate on what I've already said.
In this instance, it's that I just want to write the damn article, because I am 100% certain it will amuse the hell out of me.
1. Cows
In 2013, Brazilian João Maria de Souza was killed by a cow that fell through the roof of his house onto his bed whilst he was asleep.
Just waiting to strike...
2. Water
Way back in 2007 a woman by the name of Jennifer Strange from Sacremento, California died of water intoxication while trying to win a Nintendo Wii in a radio contest.
In fact, in 1991, Andy Warhol's family accused the hospital where his gallbladder was removed of causing his death due to water intoxication.
Over the years, there have also been many notable cases in which water has taken up residence inside the breathing cavities - hereafter referred to as the "lungs" of both humans and animals, causing their untimely demise...es.
In my exhaustive research into the subject on Wikipedia, I found tens of cases since 1991. If you are as shocked and afraid as I am, I suggest you cease all contact with water immediately. Invest in mega-packs of super strength deoderant, and fill your glass with beer or perhaps a nice cocktail.
3. Vegetables
According to this Daily Mail UK article I found which is so grounds-breaking that it is somehow dated for tomorrow, curse you, confusing time zones: "Eating vegetables may be the cause of a cancer that kills 3,000 people a year in Britain."
I wish I was even joking. I mean, I've got nothing to add here.
But before you consider forgoing the vegetables and switching to something a little more... un-vegetable-esque, don't forget that we also need to be wary of...
4. Non-vegetables
In addition to the above-noted rice, several websites that google helpfully showed me listed the following cancer-causing agents:
Processed meats
Microwave popcorn
Potato chips and fries
Canned tomatoes
Red meat
Farmed fish
Highly salted or pickled foods
Soda
Sugar
Refined flour
Hydrogenated oil
GMO's
Inorganic vegetables
So before you go get that beautiful delicious burger covered in GMO'd inorganic tomatoes and lettuce and sugary ketchup made with canned tomatoes and salted bacon loaded onto a refined-flour fluffy white bun and make it a combo with fries and a soda, ask yourself: "Do I really want to die right now?" Because odds are good that you will probably die before you finish the meal. You might want to go home and eat some organic vegetables, instead.
Unless you're British.
In that case, I'm sorry, but you probably aren't going to make it.
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