Glurge of Pink Hearts, V-Day 2011 Arrives...
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em?
Here's the deal. I feel bombarded by Valentine's Day marketing. I'm about as romantic as a printer/scanner. Most women are waiting and hoping for a romantic evening, roses, chocolates, jewellery. Me, I can't care less about jewellery. I don't think I own anything fancy enough to wear it with. Roses die. And I know exactly what chocolate does when I eat it, it runs, squatter style, straight into my ass. Once it's there, it barricades itself in using peices of the cheeseburger I ate last week, and there's no power in heaven or earth that'll get it out of there again. Buy me dinner (dinner without the wailing and gnashing of teeth, by which I mean: the children), no candles required, no sweet talk required, and I'm happy as a clam. Rather than spending insane amounts of money on dying plants, I'd rather have a new coffee maker. Or else it better be something really cool, as judged by me.
So when I type "Things to do for Valentine's Day" into my handy search engine, of course what I find is a bunch of asinine mushy mush mush that I must slog through. Things with titles like, "Top 10 Things To Do This Valentine's Day To Make Your Princess Feel Like The Tender Flower She Really Is". Of course these things are never aimed at what to do for guys. Because if they were, it'd look more like, "Don't Make Him Trudge To The Mall To Buy You Overpriced Crap This Valentine's Day And He'll Consider That His Gift".
I figure, I might as well make my own list. At least I'm trying to. A list of truly fun things to do for Valentine's Day. It's not ANTI-Valentine's, I'm happily married and do understand the meaning of true love here... it's just not, shall we say, conventional. Topping my list:
#1 - Cockroaches R Us.
I can't say it better than this: "Flowers Wilt. Chocolates Melt. Cockroaches Are Forever." The Bronx Zoo has more than a handful of cockroaches to be named, and these aren't just any roaches, these are Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches. As the site details, "Naming a roach in honor of someone near and dear to your heart shows that you've noticed how resilient, resourceful, and loyal that person is. Or maybe it's in recognition of your one and only's virility, or strength in the face of high radiation. You're not afraid to say, "Baby, you're a roach!""
Name A Roach
Seriously. You can't get much more random than that. I would personally like to name one, "I'm with ugly".
#2 - Donate blood together.
Now this one intrigues me. It's heart-y, it's red, it's caring and wonderful and also a little bit creepy - that sounds like something I dig. What better way to say you care about any random person out there this Valentine's Day? Plus if you do it together, it's a bonding experience! And you can go out to eat afterward to raise your blood sugar. Fantastic!
#3 - Buy Snarky Cards.
These are the best Valentine's cards ever, because they're not full of 3rd rate poetry about generic qualities.
I Want To Grow Old And Disgusting With You
#4 - And of course, because I just love ThinkGeek, buy any of these things:
GEEKY VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS
Seriously, do it.
It occurs to me that I should have at least 5 things in my list. So... here's my finale:
#5 - Tell the people you love, exactly how much you love them. All the time. Every day. Don't wait for a heavily marketed holiday that's little more than a huge cash grab for the marketplace. Hug your partners, think of the little things they appreciate. Make sure they know that you adore them.
Seriously. Do it every day! Then this one day won't matter quite so much. Well, except in that you may feel, as I do, like throwing up from all the pink hearts galore. ;)
Here's the deal. I feel bombarded by Valentine's Day marketing. I'm about as romantic as a printer/scanner. Most women are waiting and hoping for a romantic evening, roses, chocolates, jewellery. Me, I can't care less about jewellery. I don't think I own anything fancy enough to wear it with. Roses die. And I know exactly what chocolate does when I eat it, it runs, squatter style, straight into my ass. Once it's there, it barricades itself in using peices of the cheeseburger I ate last week, and there's no power in heaven or earth that'll get it out of there again. Buy me dinner (dinner without the wailing and gnashing of teeth, by which I mean: the children), no candles required, no sweet talk required, and I'm happy as a clam. Rather than spending insane amounts of money on dying plants, I'd rather have a new coffee maker. Or else it better be something really cool, as judged by me.
So when I type "Things to do for Valentine's Day" into my handy search engine, of course what I find is a bunch of asinine mushy mush mush that I must slog through. Things with titles like, "Top 10 Things To Do This Valentine's Day To Make Your Princess Feel Like The Tender Flower She Really Is". Of course these things are never aimed at what to do for guys. Because if they were, it'd look more like, "Don't Make Him Trudge To The Mall To Buy You Overpriced Crap This Valentine's Day And He'll Consider That His Gift".
I figure, I might as well make my own list. At least I'm trying to. A list of truly fun things to do for Valentine's Day. It's not ANTI-Valentine's, I'm happily married and do understand the meaning of true love here... it's just not, shall we say, conventional. Topping my list:
#1 - Cockroaches R Us.
I can't say it better than this: "Flowers Wilt. Chocolates Melt. Cockroaches Are Forever." The Bronx Zoo has more than a handful of cockroaches to be named, and these aren't just any roaches, these are Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches. As the site details, "Naming a roach in honor of someone near and dear to your heart shows that you've noticed how resilient, resourceful, and loyal that person is. Or maybe it's in recognition of your one and only's virility, or strength in the face of high radiation. You're not afraid to say, "Baby, you're a roach!""
 |
| We'll call this beauty "Monsterella, Queen of all Hideous" |
Seriously. You can't get much more random than that. I would personally like to name one, "I'm with ugly".
#2 - Donate blood together.
Now this one intrigues me. It's heart-y, it's red, it's caring and wonderful and also a little bit creepy - that sounds like something I dig. What better way to say you care about any random person out there this Valentine's Day? Plus if you do it together, it's a bonding experience! And you can go out to eat afterward to raise your blood sugar. Fantastic!
 |
| I'd do it, but only if I get these hearts as a prize. |
These are the best Valentine's cards ever, because they're not full of 3rd rate poetry about generic qualities.
I Want To Grow Old And Disgusting With You
#4 - And of course, because I just love ThinkGeek, buy any of these things:
GEEKY VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS
Seriously, do it.
It occurs to me that I should have at least 5 things in my list. So... here's my finale:
#5 - Tell the people you love, exactly how much you love them. All the time. Every day. Don't wait for a heavily marketed holiday that's little more than a huge cash grab for the marketplace. Hug your partners, think of the little things they appreciate. Make sure they know that you adore them.
Seriously. Do it every day! Then this one day won't matter quite so much. Well, except in that you may feel, as I do, like throwing up from all the pink hearts galore. ;)
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