Epiphany'd

Walking home from dropping the boy off to school today, I was mulling over some thoughts for blogging. Yes, observe my awesome powers of multitasking. I can think and walk, for instance, or drive a car while simultaneously muttering at all the other drivers in my vicinity. I can probably also chew bubble gum while I do any of these things. But anyway...

Some people have these major epiphanies, good things, right? Things like "I'm worth it" "I'm better off without him" "The universe is grand" or whatever other mushy stuff. I have something like Eeyore epiphanies. I'm laying in bed trying to go to sleep and suddenly it strikes me... like a lightning bolt, "I'm not a kid anymore!" or "I can't build any more bone density at this age!" or "WHAT ABOUT GINGIVITIS!?!"

My big one is age. I find myself saying, at a rapidly increasing rate, "Wow, that makes me feel old". And it's not even like I'm actually old. But I'm not 16 anymore, and that disturbs me. Though I do appreciate my current capacity to buy liquor. It's like everything is milestones, and while I'm not old, I'm oldER. I have half a year left til I'm 30, and that seems big.

When I was a kid I either just assumed, or never really thought about it - that there would be some tangible entrance into adulthood. Like "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE A TEENAGER!" "You're a high-school graduate!" "You're not a virgin!" But I don't know, and I keep saying this, there is no real marker for adulthood. Is it when you graduate? When you move out? Graduate college? Get your license? Vote? Get married? All I know is at somewhere around 25 it hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm not a kid anymore. It creeps up on you. I remember hearing about how you boil a frog, in slowly warming water so that by the time it's poached it doesn't even know what's going on. That's how adulthood hit me. A little bit at a time. I moved out, moved away. Got a job. Got married. Still I felt about the same. Had a baby. Moved. Went to college. Had another baby. And one day it hits me, I look around at my husband and kids and stack of bills and this scream erupts inside my brain as I begin to comprehend that... I am truly not a kid anymore.

I think the real issue was that when I was small, I was certain that adults had it all together. They were superhuman. They knew everything, they were perfect. I didn't feel like I'd attained that level of perfection yet. I began to sympathize with my mother though, suddenly understanding that when I was little she was no better equipped than I am.

So to get it all out of my head once and for all, I'm composing a list which is by no means complete or entirely inclusive. I'm sure I will be adding to this before the next decade is through. This is...

Milestones

Age: 1

Realizations: Damned if I know, my memory is fuzzy. I'm guessing they would include such deep thought as "I can poop" "My limbs can move" and "Screaming gets me attention".

Age: 5

Realizations: Colouring is fun. Other kids are fun. Some other kids are jerks. I like cheese.

Age: 13

Realizations: Pretty much the same as kindergarten, but on larger scale. This is when high-school starts for us. My own observations at the time included musings on: "Other kids, RE: Jackasses." "Oh GOD they cannot really intend us to all shower together in there" and "We Don't Need No Education: A Teenagers Guide to Skipping Half the Years Classes".

Age: 16

Realizations: Alcohol and pot.

Age: 20

Realizations: Just married, heeeheeehee look at me I'm a real grown up with a real job and a real husband. Everything is a novelty, I feel like a kid playing dress-up.

Age: 22

Realizations: I have a new baby! I feel marvellous! I see the world in a whole new light, and live for my child.

Age: 22 and a half

Realizations: Sleep is good. Can't talk good. Can't think good. Haven't slept in months. Hate everyone. Hate you. Hate life. Love baby, only baby.

I already mentioned the 25 year mark, see above. Which brings me to....

Age: 29

Realizations: For brevity's sake I will point form these,

-Danger lurks everywhere. Guard your children.
-What these dang kids call music is crap.
-All the good music came out 15 years ago.
-Dental health is of all encompassing importance.
-Browsing the baking aisle at any store is better than shopping for clothes, makeup, or shoes.
-I'm no longer only concerned with my own aging, but with everyone's. My children are getting bigger too fast. My parents are getting old too fast. People are dying. I have 2 friends who've lost parents in the last year. I tell my mother I will kill her if she dares die.
-Time is fluid, not static. It moves faster with every passing year.
-I don't like teenager's hairdo's. Not one bit.
-I don't understand teenager's fashion.
-I don't understand teenagers, period.
-I don't like teenagers.
-Eating fibre is important.
-My body enjoys being 20 lbs overweight and will not be moved.
-I do not share my body's enthusiasm for being 20 lbs overweight.
-I don't care enough to stop eating sugar.
-I have nothing saved for retirement.
-I still like cheese.

Cheesecake is the mother of all cheese creations.

When I think back to how I felt about my own mother when I was a child, I enjoy the thought that my kids probably think I'm as superhuman as I thought she was. I like how I'm the authority on everything to them, my word is gospel. I'm sad to think that in a few more years I'll sink to the bottom of the totem pole, that their adoration will turn to disdain, that I will conversely know absolutely nothing about anything. I hope I learn to like teenagers by then.

And the bottom line is... at some point it fully crept up on me, and yes, I finally do feel like a real grown-up.