Girl Critically Wounded
I can't help thinking that for this particular topic, that's how the headline should read. "Girl Critically Wounded, Dies From Injuries".
Because when you get down to the core of it, that's what happened.
When I sat down to have a coffee and scroll through Facebook this morning, I started seeing this theme of videos and articles coming up - Amanda Todd, Vancouver area teenager, committed suicide after years of "bullying". Now, I am aware that October is Anti-Bullying Awareness Month, so scanning through these items I assumed that this was a throwback to something horrible that had happened, that was being rehashed to make a point for October. I was shocked when I realized that this girl died 2 days ago.
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She was 15 years old, and wounded emotionally to the point of depression and anxiety, to the point of cutting, to the point of drug and alcohol use and a previous suicide attempt. She was stalked and humiliated. Her topless photo - a 7th grade topless photo - flaunted in front of the world. She was blackmailed, insulted, excluded. The attacks on her and her character regurgitated over and over again online. The assertions that her life was worthless, the flippant sneers that she should die. She felt alone and that her pain was never-ending.
This is heart-wrenching to me as a parent, and as a woman who used to be that girl. Only I probably made more mistakes - and suffered less for them. I felt alone. I was starved for attention and affection. I let myself be used. I suffered depression and anxiety, I cut myself, I drank... I remember very well the feeling of being trapped in a life that hurt. I remember crying every night. I remember wanting to die, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to escape. This story resonates with me because of that, but also because I was lucky. In 9th grade I found friends, friends who genuinely cared about me, who didn't care if I messed up or was messed up. Who gave me the collective security I needed, who insulated me from everyone else. I often wonder if I would have made it through highschool without them.
As a parent it scares me to think that kids could do these things online. When I was a kid, kids talked. You made a mistake, your schoolmates talked about it all over school. There were no photos, the internet at large was in its infancy when I was 15. There wasn't usually anything material for people to remember. No pictures or videos to float around cyberspace for all eternity. Things didn't have to follow you forever. Eventually people forgot, moved on to other things. You could move away or change schools without the internet tying you to every mistake you ever made.
I try to impress on my kids that the internet is a tool, and it can be a good or bad thing depending on how its used. A hammer can be used constructively or destructively. It's all about whose hands it's in. I let them know that the things they post will be out there, somewhere, forever. That they need to be careful about who they talk to, just like in real life. I don't want them to be afraid, I want them to be mindful and cautious.
Here are a couple quotes that I could not agree with more. These come from my youngest sisters friend, the funny thing is I still often think of these girls as being 15 themselves - but they never cease to amaze me with their wit, intelligence and insight.
If a man posts indecent pictures of me, 31-year-old mom and housewife, extorts me, defames me online, that's criminal. If a man posts indecent pictures of a child, extorts her, defames her online, that's bullying? Not only is that ludicrous on its face, but add in the child pornography angle and it's worse. Far worse.
It's funny how much language influences thought. The word bullying undermines what it really is. We think of bullying and we think of schoolyard taunts, wedgies, perhaps some shoving. The fact is, what kids these days are doing (and even back when I was a kid, the things that "bullies" did to me) - it's not "bullying". It's assault. It's stalking. It's harassment. It's blackmail. It's terrorism. Plain and simple. I could not go to work and do these things to a co-worker, regardless of my reasons. I could work with someone who slept with my husband and broke up my family, and still, if I stalked that person online, posted compromising photos, beat them up in the parking lot - not only would I lose my job, I'd face charges. I refuse to underestimate teenagers that much. They do understand what's going on. They just don't feel the consequences apply to them, and that's something that needs to change. I want to see police stepping in if parents drop the ball. I want to see schools paying attention. I want to see children, at very least highschool-aged children, held accountable for their actions before someone dies.
How much is enough? How much do we need to discuss this, how many kids need to die, be injured, injure themselves, suffer mental anguish and illness, or be traumatized?
I've said it before, "The best way to prevent rape? Don't be a rapist." and I'll say it again here. "The best way to prevent bullying? Don't be a bully." Don't be an abuser. Don't be a violent hate-monger. Don't degrade anyone. Don't traumatize anyone. Don't put someone down to make yourself seem bigger or better. We keep saying to kids, "If you're being bullied, know that it'll get better" or some variation of that - and yes, that's valid. But hey, how about drilling this into our kids: every person around you is worth as much as you are. They deserve the same basic rights as you do. They deserve the right to feel safe. To be respected. To feel good about who they are. They deserve to decide who touches them and in what way - which includes violence. That complacency implies agreement - that our kids should not stand by and watch someone else be abused, because it makes them an accomplice to it. And furthermore - kids deserve the absolute knowledge that if anyone crosses those boundaries, that the adults in their lives will step up and put a stop to it, one way or another.
We owe it to our kids, not just to protect them, but to make sure that they're not growing up to be heartless psychopaths. That's our job - as parents, mentors and educators, so please, get on with it.
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Note: If you are being bullied and feel like you are alone, know that help is available.
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
Bullying Canada: 1-877-352-4497
Because when you get down to the core of it, that's what happened.
When I sat down to have a coffee and scroll through Facebook this morning, I started seeing this theme of videos and articles coming up - Amanda Todd, Vancouver area teenager, committed suicide after years of "bullying". Now, I am aware that October is Anti-Bullying Awareness Month, so scanning through these items I assumed that this was a throwback to something horrible that had happened, that was being rehashed to make a point for October. I was shocked when I realized that this girl died 2 days ago.
Amanda Todd, a Vancouver-area teenager who posted a story to YouTube last month about being cyber-bullied, was found dead Wednesday night in Coquitlam, Canada. Authorities believe she committed suicide.
Amanda's video tells a heart-wrenching story of the bullying she was subjected to -- both online and off. "In 7th grade," she begins, sharing her message on cue cards, "I would go with friends on webcam [to] meet and talk to new people." At one point, a stranger flattered her into flashing the camera.
One year later, a man contacted her on Facebook, threatening to send around the picture of her topless "if [she] don't put on a show." Terrifyingly, the stranger knew everything about her: her address, school, friends, relatives, and the names of her family members. Soon, her naked photo had been forwarded "to everyone."
Amanda developed anxiety, depression, and anxiety disorders, she says in the video, followed by a path into drugs and alcohol.
She changed schools and found a new group of friends in an effort to leave behind the bullies. Then the man created a Facebook profile, using her uncensored photo as his profile picture. "Cried every night, lost all my friends and respect people had for me... again... then nobody liked me," she wrote in the video.
Soon after, the bullying started again and she began to cut herself. Amanda moved to yet another school, where, after a boy began flirting with her, a troupe of girls from her first school came and beat her up. "Kids filmed it," she writes. "I was all alone and left on the ground."
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She was 15 years old, and wounded emotionally to the point of depression and anxiety, to the point of cutting, to the point of drug and alcohol use and a previous suicide attempt. She was stalked and humiliated. Her topless photo - a 7th grade topless photo - flaunted in front of the world. She was blackmailed, insulted, excluded. The attacks on her and her character regurgitated over and over again online. The assertions that her life was worthless, the flippant sneers that she should die. She felt alone and that her pain was never-ending.
This is heart-wrenching to me as a parent, and as a woman who used to be that girl. Only I probably made more mistakes - and suffered less for them. I felt alone. I was starved for attention and affection. I let myself be used. I suffered depression and anxiety, I cut myself, I drank... I remember very well the feeling of being trapped in a life that hurt. I remember crying every night. I remember wanting to die, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to escape. This story resonates with me because of that, but also because I was lucky. In 9th grade I found friends, friends who genuinely cared about me, who didn't care if I messed up or was messed up. Who gave me the collective security I needed, who insulated me from everyone else. I often wonder if I would have made it through highschool without them.
As a parent it scares me to think that kids could do these things online. When I was a kid, kids talked. You made a mistake, your schoolmates talked about it all over school. There were no photos, the internet at large was in its infancy when I was 15. There wasn't usually anything material for people to remember. No pictures or videos to float around cyberspace for all eternity. Things didn't have to follow you forever. Eventually people forgot, moved on to other things. You could move away or change schools without the internet tying you to every mistake you ever made.
I try to impress on my kids that the internet is a tool, and it can be a good or bad thing depending on how its used. A hammer can be used constructively or destructively. It's all about whose hands it's in. I let them know that the things they post will be out there, somewhere, forever. That they need to be careful about who they talk to, just like in real life. I don't want them to be afraid, I want them to be mindful and cautious.
Here are a couple quotes that I could not agree with more. These come from my youngest sisters friend, the funny thing is I still often think of these girls as being 15 themselves - but they never cease to amaze me with their wit, intelligence and insight.
"The reason I think this Amanda Todd thing is particularly awful is because she had to die before anybody paid any attention to her. She posted those videos, slashed her wrists, and made every other possible cry for help for ages and no one said a word about the atrocities. You people can re-post her video and story all you want now that she's gone, and it /may/ prevent it in the future (which I think is highly unlikely because the internet has this nasty habit of sensationalizing something and then promptly forgetting about it when the next dos equis meme comes along), but for the love of fucking god people, if you SEE someone IN trouble, help BEFORE it comes to this. Her death was completely preventable and I wish someone had seen it in time to stop her.
The staff at her school, her therapist, and law enforcement should all be completely ashamed of themselves. How someone managed to terrorize this girl with a picture for 2 years without being imprisoned is pathetic. The fact that no one managed to intervene and get her to take down her social networking, or use a different name when she moved seems downright incompetent to me. Society dropped the ball this time."
"I HATE THE WORD "BULLY" The word "bullying" even sounds cute. It is perhaps some of the most inadequate rhetoric out there. I can't express in words how seething-with-contempt I am when people use the word "bully." These kids aren't "bullied." They are harassed, extorted, subject to physical violence, humiliated, tortured, tormented, spit on, degraded, marginalized, dehumanized, and a whole list of words that I'm not going to bother pulling out a thesaurus for. Please, PLEASE stop using the word "bullying" and start calling it what it really is."
- Christiana
If a man posts indecent pictures of me, 31-year-old mom and housewife, extorts me, defames me online, that's criminal. If a man posts indecent pictures of a child, extorts her, defames her online, that's bullying? Not only is that ludicrous on its face, but add in the child pornography angle and it's worse. Far worse.
It's funny how much language influences thought. The word bullying undermines what it really is. We think of bullying and we think of schoolyard taunts, wedgies, perhaps some shoving. The fact is, what kids these days are doing (and even back when I was a kid, the things that "bullies" did to me) - it's not "bullying". It's assault. It's stalking. It's harassment. It's blackmail. It's terrorism. Plain and simple. I could not go to work and do these things to a co-worker, regardless of my reasons. I could work with someone who slept with my husband and broke up my family, and still, if I stalked that person online, posted compromising photos, beat them up in the parking lot - not only would I lose my job, I'd face charges. I refuse to underestimate teenagers that much. They do understand what's going on. They just don't feel the consequences apply to them, and that's something that needs to change. I want to see police stepping in if parents drop the ball. I want to see schools paying attention. I want to see children, at very least highschool-aged children, held accountable for their actions before someone dies.
How much is enough? How much do we need to discuss this, how many kids need to die, be injured, injure themselves, suffer mental anguish and illness, or be traumatized?
I've said it before, "The best way to prevent rape? Don't be a rapist." and I'll say it again here. "The best way to prevent bullying? Don't be a bully." Don't be an abuser. Don't be a violent hate-monger. Don't degrade anyone. Don't traumatize anyone. Don't put someone down to make yourself seem bigger or better. We keep saying to kids, "If you're being bullied, know that it'll get better" or some variation of that - and yes, that's valid. But hey, how about drilling this into our kids: every person around you is worth as much as you are. They deserve the same basic rights as you do. They deserve the right to feel safe. To be respected. To feel good about who they are. They deserve to decide who touches them and in what way - which includes violence. That complacency implies agreement - that our kids should not stand by and watch someone else be abused, because it makes them an accomplice to it. And furthermore - kids deserve the absolute knowledge that if anyone crosses those boundaries, that the adults in their lives will step up and put a stop to it, one way or another.
We owe it to our kids, not just to protect them, but to make sure that they're not growing up to be heartless psychopaths. That's our job - as parents, mentors and educators, so please, get on with it.
----------
Note: If you are being bullied and feel like you are alone, know that help is available.
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
Bullying Canada: 1-877-352-4497
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