Lithium
Once upon a time (1991), in a land far far away (California), a band named Nirvana recorded a song called Lithium. And this song, oddly, did not actually talk about lithium in any of its lyrics. Well I say, if a rich dead guy can do it, then so can I.
Yes I realize this is a blog not a song, but feel free to hum while you read if it makes you feel better.
Moving along!
I have two children, boys, and even though they are both school-aged now, I'm still asked more often than I'd like about whether (or when) I'm having another one. We've never decided that we were done, completely, until recently. I said I was happy with what I've got, I don't want to do diapers again, I'm too old to go on no sleep, blah blah blah. Pretty sure I actually said the "Blah blah blah" part. My husband agreed but seemed reluctant to make anything permanent.
Then, picture this. You're on a dock fishing, and you catch one. Then, for some reason completely unknown to me, you throw the fish on the dock where it madly flip-flops back and forth. Again this has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. Oh, except this part: suddenly I flip-flopped. Like a deserter. I went to the dark side. And I was convinced that I wanted another baby. I needed another baby. Right away. 3 seconds ago. Last month. Pronto.
The reason... well. My oldest "baby" is going to be 10 next year. I still remember bringing him home from the hospital like it was yesterday. Each year goes faster, faster, faster. Which is what led me to stand in my livingroom, gesturing madly and sniffling, saying "Do you understand? Next thing I know he'll be in COLLEGE! I need more time!!" while my bewildered husband stared at me wondering where he went wrong in asking why I suddenly wanted another baby.
The real setback, as I've noted before, is that I have type 2 bipolar disorder. The medication alone is not pregnancy-friendly, and it's the real reason why I keep hitting a brick wall in terms of the "next baby" question. I think deep down I would love another child, and I don't want to accept my own limitations in the matter. Right now I'm often very fatigued and even mundane tasks are difficult, physically and mentally, which explains why I haven't bothered to blog in ages.
Every so often I get a chance to step back from myself and examine things a little more impartially. A couple days ago that happened, by majicks! I suddenly paid attention to how much my kids ask to spend time with me, to do things with me, and I'm tired and I say "No" "Not now" "Leave me alone". Almost by reflex I think at this point, I don't even think, I just say no. I try to distance myself from them often, they're rambunctious and loud, they're boys. They're not bad kids, not by a long shot, they are lovely children and I adore them. But their level of, well, gregariousness is sometimes too much for me. And I realized... I'm so concerned about missing their growing up and wanting a new little one so I can have it all again, without seeing that I'm missing their growing up. Period.
"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today." ~ Stacia Tauscher
Sometimes I get so caught up in the teaching and correcting aspect of parenthood that I forget to take time to just enjoy my kids. Just to be with them. Hang out with them. Have fun with them. So for now I'm reminding myself that yes, kids do grow up too fast, and no, I don't want to miss it, and work on figuring out ways to let them be little, rather than seeing them as projects who will someday be what I molded out of them.
Fun.
So along that vein, here's a little chalk scenery that my youngest son and I made the other day, it's a start!
"Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music." ~ William Stafford
Yes I realize this is a blog not a song, but feel free to hum while you read if it makes you feel better.
Moving along!
I have two children, boys, and even though they are both school-aged now, I'm still asked more often than I'd like about whether (or when) I'm having another one. We've never decided that we were done, completely, until recently. I said I was happy with what I've got, I don't want to do diapers again, I'm too old to go on no sleep, blah blah blah. Pretty sure I actually said the "Blah blah blah" part. My husband agreed but seemed reluctant to make anything permanent.
Then, picture this. You're on a dock fishing, and you catch one. Then, for some reason completely unknown to me, you throw the fish on the dock where it madly flip-flops back and forth. Again this has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. Oh, except this part: suddenly I flip-flopped. Like a deserter. I went to the dark side. And I was convinced that I wanted another baby. I needed another baby. Right away. 3 seconds ago. Last month. Pronto.
The reason... well. My oldest "baby" is going to be 10 next year. I still remember bringing him home from the hospital like it was yesterday. Each year goes faster, faster, faster. Which is what led me to stand in my livingroom, gesturing madly and sniffling, saying "Do you understand? Next thing I know he'll be in COLLEGE! I need more time!!" while my bewildered husband stared at me wondering where he went wrong in asking why I suddenly wanted another baby.
The real setback, as I've noted before, is that I have type 2 bipolar disorder. The medication alone is not pregnancy-friendly, and it's the real reason why I keep hitting a brick wall in terms of the "next baby" question. I think deep down I would love another child, and I don't want to accept my own limitations in the matter. Right now I'm often very fatigued and even mundane tasks are difficult, physically and mentally, which explains why I haven't bothered to blog in ages.
Every so often I get a chance to step back from myself and examine things a little more impartially. A couple days ago that happened, by majicks! I suddenly paid attention to how much my kids ask to spend time with me, to do things with me, and I'm tired and I say "No" "Not now" "Leave me alone". Almost by reflex I think at this point, I don't even think, I just say no. I try to distance myself from them often, they're rambunctious and loud, they're boys. They're not bad kids, not by a long shot, they are lovely children and I adore them. But their level of, well, gregariousness is sometimes too much for me. And I realized... I'm so concerned about missing their growing up and wanting a new little one so I can have it all again, without seeing that I'm missing their growing up. Period.
"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today." ~ Stacia Tauscher
Sometimes I get so caught up in the teaching and correcting aspect of parenthood that I forget to take time to just enjoy my kids. Just to be with them. Hang out with them. Have fun with them. So for now I'm reminding myself that yes, kids do grow up too fast, and no, I don't want to miss it, and work on figuring out ways to let them be little, rather than seeing them as projects who will someday be what I molded out of them.
Fun.
So along that vein, here's a little chalk scenery that my youngest son and I made the other day, it's a start!
"Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music." ~ William Stafford
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